who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
