We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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