considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
