you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
