yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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