Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
