Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
