that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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