we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
