Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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