God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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