he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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