Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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