hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
