I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
