remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
