Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
