I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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