i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
