sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
