I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
