Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
