i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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