how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
