He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
