My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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