Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
