I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
