If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
