Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
