Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i came on her dog
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
