i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
