I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Randomize
