Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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