you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
