Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
