Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she peed on how many people?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
