The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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