The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
