I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
