I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
