Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
