So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
