Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
