I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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