Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
