your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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