Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
