I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
