There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
