people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
