no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
