I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
