Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
is wine microwaveable?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
