By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
